By Patricia
When I first became addicted to heroin, I was certainly not willing to share my story.
I was filled with fear and embarrassment and had zero self-worth. What others would think of me — my family, friends, co-workers — consumed my thoughts. At the same time, I was worried about when, how and where I would get my next fix.
For years, it was a constant internal battle.
Why couldn’t I just stop? I often wondered that myself. I wanted to stop, but I was powerless over this drug.
It controlled my every thought and move.
It was not my upbringing. It was not because a boyfriend gave it to me. It was not anyone else’s fault.
It was the simple fact that I did not love myself enough to say no. Once I had the first one, I was off and running without my own permission.
I hated the way that first line of OxyContin made me feel. I was sick. I threw up at work and I was passed out on the floor of a subway in the town where I grew up.
The next day I did it again. Pure insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I came into Southeastern New Hampshire Services, a rehab in Dover, when I was 21 years old. My disease had thrown me into an even deeper depth of despair.
I was now doing heroin and cocaine. I attended a three-month rehab and then a halfway house for six months.
Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. I came in homeless off the streets of Manchester. I was broken, beat up, and numb.
In this program, I learned that I suffer from a three-fold disease that affects me spiritually, mentally, and physically. I learned that I react to alcohol/drugs differently than other people.
Once I have one of anything, it produces a phenomenon of craving and I cannot stop. The way to work on all this is for me is to work a 12-step program, get a sponsor, network, find a power greater than myself, attend meetings, and help others.
I looked at the stuff that was suggested. I picked and chose what I wanted and left the rest. Not too long after that, I relapsed. Just when people started to trust me again, I let them down.
The knowledge of the program stuck in my head through four more years of using. Like I said, once I started I could not stop.
I lost hope and gave up on myself and life. I started doing things I never thought I would do. I hit a rock bottom like nothing I had ever experienced before.
Here I was this small town girl who excelled in school and had a great family, and I was sitting in crack houses injecting heroin and cocaine into my veins like a savage.
I accepted this behavior as my new life and thought I was just going to die that way. I loved my family very much, but when I was stuck in this disease I would think things like: “They are better off without me.”
So I did what I had done best and disappeared.
By this point I was ready to end my life. I knew this was not the person I really was. I had turned into an animal.
By the grace of God, I got arrested and thrown into jail. I was so scared. I was not scared because it was jail, but I knew I was going to be starting to detox coming off of 8-10 grams of heroin a day.
The 14-day detox began. I was sweating, puking, freezing, and shaking violently. When my mind was a little more clear at the end of the detox, I knew what I had to do. I needed to swallow my pride and go back to treatment.
I was very lucky to get into the same treatment center I attended when I was 21. This time was a lot different.
Due to lack of funding, the program was shorter. What used to be three-months was 28 days, and what used to be six months in the halfway house was only three months.
I came back into this program willing. If they told me to bark like a dog, I would have barked like dog. I did not want to relapse or worse, die.
I got a sponsor and I opened my Big Book. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has the 12-steps laid out.
My sponsor would give me assignments to read and I would do it. My sponsor would encourage me to write when I hit the fourth step and I did it.
I am currently in the middle of my fourth step and I have already experienced amazing changes within myself.
I show up for life today. I am a kind human being who wants nothing more than to share my experience with another alcoholic or addict.
I want to help. I want to be able to fill people with hope. Recovery is possible and so is a new way of life. One day at a time I will survive.
Information about recovery can be found at:
Heroin Anonymous NH http://goo.gl/HAxBj6
Alcoholics Anonymous http://nhaa.net/
Al-Anon http://www.nhal-anon.org/
Statewide and Maine http://goo.gl/kmSakf
InDepthNH.org launched this column to give voice to people who are recovering from addictions and their families. Breaking the Chains also provides information about where to seek help. Emailnancywestnews@gmail.com to tell your story. We use first names only when appropriate for this column.