By MICHAEL DAVIDOW, Radio Free New Hampshire

 I am a Democrat, which is to say that I belong to a political party in name only. Ever since Thomas Jefferson cobbled this group together from the needs of the farmers, the wants of workers, and the glue of golden oratory, the Democratic party has acted like an amoeba, stretching and oozing and generally repelling every observer who couldn’t see it from the inside. 

 We used to call those people Republicans, and historically speaking, our companion party contrasted with us neatly, having structure, and organs, and purpose, and drive. Republicans don’t have those things anymore, of course. They have Donald Trump instead, and gutlessness raised to an art form.

            Anyway, as a Democrat, accustomed to voting alongside of people with whom I have nothing in common, other than a peculiar aversion to order and good taste, I have looked with alarm upon a new thing in our ranks: people who know things for sure and insist that they are always right. (Yes, those people also used to be called Republicans. But not anymore.  At least, not exclusively.)

            Having just moved into a venerable old structure, anyway, this new breed of Democrat is now busy renaming things, and moving stuff, and registering disgust with the taste of their forebears. They have discovered to their shock that the people who lived before them weren’t as nice as they themselves are. Some owned slaves, some were racists, some hated gay people, and all were appallingly convinced that their clothing looked good, too. They were very wrong about all of these things. And because of this, many of today’s Democrats believe that we need to erase them from our collective memory.

            In San Francisco, for instance, the school board voted to stop naming schools after Abraham Lincoln. In New York, they kicked out a statue of Thomas Jefferson from the room where the city council meets. In Washington, they’ve ditched the Audubon Society.  This makes these Democrats feel exceedingly virtuous, which is how Republicans used to feel (they’ve since given up that urge, trading it for a cough-syrup high).

            I want to make life easier for people. That’s why I write these columns. So as a public service, I have invented a new way of discussing our shared past, which will let those who wish to do so see at a glance whether someone from our nation’s history is good or evil.  I shall do this by utilizing both visual and aural cues. 

            For instance, this stands for slave owner: we put a line through the name.  This stands for someone who did not own slaves, but was still a racist: L.  This stands for being anti-Semitic: J (note: being anti-Semitic does not actually get you canceled these days, because (a) the state of Israel is so widely reviled, and (b) well, you know, it’s just always safe to single out the Jews). This stands for having been born before this past decade, which implies that the person in question either is or was both sexist and meat-eating: LL. Unless you were or are truly enlightened on those scores, in which case you have this: JJ. And this stands for being perfect: perfect. 

            So here we go.

            Take George Washington, for instance. Simplicity personified: LLGeorge WashingtonLL 

            Now compare Ulysses Grant.  He did not own slaves, but he was racist. Plus, he once signed an order forbidding Jews from selling their wares to his troops; yet on the other hand, he also invited a Jew into his cabinet, which had never happened before. Apparently, people are complicated. Go figure. Oh, and he drank a lot, which is worthy of note. Anyway, we can write his name like this: slurpLLJLUlysses GrantLJLLslurp

            Now take a guy like Franklin Roosevelt. He was also racist. Plus he fooled around on his wife.  And he ate meat.  Those sad facts gives us this: moo/sighLLLFranklin RooseveltLLLsigh/moo

            Now consider one of our opponents in the Second World War. The country of Germany was led by a very sad sack named Adolf Hitler. Hitler was racist, though it could also be that he was misunderstood. His main problem, after all, was the Jews, which, well, let’s not go there. Anyway, moving on, not only was Hitler fond of animals, he was also a vegetarian. Hence we can write this:  LLJJJAdolf HitlerJJJLL

            Context, made clear in a single glance!  Nobody need ever worry again about respecting the wrong person for, say, winning some war between equally obnoxious belligerents (e.g. the American Revolution, the Civil War, World War I, World War II), or writing a constitution that failed at perfection, or not transcending their own time and place the way we ourselves so clearly do.  We can feel free to mock our forebears who gave us so damned little. We can safely feel superior to everyone who came before us, like our parents, who gave us birth, then did everything wrong after that. Don’t fear these types. See them for what they are.  (Happy Halloween, LLmomLL.) 

Michael Davidow is a lawyer in Nashua.  He is the author of Gate City, Split Thirty, and The Rocketdyne Commission, three novels about politics and advertising which, taken together, form The Henry Bell Project,  The Book of Order, and his most recent one, The Hunter of Talyashevka . They are available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.