By Jen Hollidge
Not For Nothing in NH
Don’t eat chocolate in a hot car. Ever. Don’t do it. It will inevitably end up on your pants.
Don’t sneeze while applying mascara … unless you’re going for a Clockwork Orange look.
If you decide to mow the lawn, don’t try to get every inch with the lawn mower. Yes, it’s faster and seems like a good idea, until you hit a rock or stump. Weed wackers and edging tools actually do have a purpose and dull blades make husbands grumpy.
Once you hit mid-thirties, drinking shots is always a terrible idea. Hard liquor is for people who still have “elasticity” and color their hair by choice.
If you aren’t sure how to use a piece of equipment at the gym, it’s best to try it when no one is looking. There are mirrors everywhere and someone WILL see you fall off the stretching seat.
Never skip a chance to use a good clean bathroom. The next one will be gross. You will be filled with regret.
Buy the shoes if the stranger in the next aisle suggests it and asks you if they have them in her size. A stranger’s unsolicited opinion is nothing if not honest.
When you leave the house in [insert item of clothing shameful for public consumption and loved like a childhood blankie] you will see your high school crush OR your secret arch nemesis. They will look extra fabulous, like someone who has their stuff together. You will feel less so.
About food. If it tastes really good, it’s not good for you. This is life’s cruelest trick. Yogurt popsicles will never be ice cream because fat tastes awesome.
Your dog can sense the person in the room who dislikes dogs most and will wholeheartedly make it his life’s mission to become besties.
I’m Jen Hollidge, a full-time program coordinator, full-time mother of two amazing daughters and full-time wife to my partner in crime for 18 years. We live in Concord, N.H. I have an English degree from the University of New Hampshire and I love to write.