By MICHAEL DAVIDOW, Radio Free New Hampshire
Big confusion in this household: last week, I interviewed some kid in the mistaken belief that he was a Trump supporter. It turns out that I was wrong. The kid in question actually liked Bernie, he started getting abused on Twitter by rabid Joe Biden supporters, and I felt bad about the whole thing.
Thankfully, however, my own child just took a break from his home-schooling to clue me in. (Seventeen straight hours of nature documentaries on TV — that’s educational, right?) (by the way, did you know that Pikachu was a real animal, that nature documentaries are now done cartoon-style, with random pieces of Japanese culture thrown in, and that my kid can keep his eyes open without blinking for days at a time?)
Turns out that this kid was not a Trump supporter, but a Glump supporter. As in Ronald Glump, seven-year-old president of Classroom Six at Manchester Random Elementary School. Ronald has graciously agreed to meet with us this morning.
MOI-MEME: Good morning, Ronald.
RONALD GLUMP: Good morning, young friend’s father. It is a pleasure to be here. I enjoy talking to people who are different from me. So long as they do not get any funny ideas.
MM: You must miss being in school. What’s your understanding, as to why you kids are home right now?
RG: That’s easy. Us kids are home right now because Classroom Five caught the sniffles. That’s Ms. Wang’s class. I like Ms. Wang. She has very nice dumplings. Very small hands. But her class caught the sniffles. So I call it the Wang Sniffles.
MM: Hmm. Is there any treatment?
RG: There is. Tide Pods.
ANTHONY FAUCI: No, wait. I must interrupt. No child should eat Tide Pods.
DEBORAH BIRX: Here. Have some candy.
RG: I am just saying that we should try them. They make your clothes clean. They smell nice. They can probably do something for your nose, too. This is science. Theory, testing, magic. Don’t argue with me, or I will make sounds that nobody likes.
MM: Okay. Moving on. I understand that you’ve just finished reading a new book.
RG: I did. Actually, my mom read it to me. Books are boring. Television is more fun.
MM: What book was it?
RG: It was a crazy book. Full of lies. It was called The Emperor’s New Clothes.
MM: Do you remember what it concerned?
RG: I do. This really great emperor got some really great new clothes that looked really great on him, because this emperor was very handsome and smart. But then some person from a foreign country got it all wrong. I think he came from Massachusetts.
RG: He made trouble so the emperor deported him.
MM: I don’t think that’s how it went. If I recall correctly, the emperor’s tailor played a trick on the emperor and pretended he was wearing a great new suit, when in fact, the emperor was naked. But nobody wanted to tell him that, so the emperor went around naked. Until a little kid pointed out the truth.
RG: Fake news! That suit looked great. The emperor was very handsome and smart. There is no truth unless the emperor says it’s true. That kid was a liar because the emperor wanted him to be. Tide Pods!
ANTHONY FAUCI: No Tide Pods!
RG: I was just being sarcastic.
DEBORAH BIRX: Poor child. Poor handsome, smart, beautiful child. Here, have some candy.
RG: Give me the candy.
MM: So anyway, Ronald. I understand that there was some dispute over your election.
RG: No. There was no dispute. I won fair and square with a minority of the vote.
MIKE PENCE: We did. It’s true.
MM: Did you win on some sort of technicality?
RG: Loser says what?
RG: Tide Pods! Fake news.
ANTHONY FAUCI: [hits his forehead with the palm of his right hand.]
RG: Do you like my new suit?
MIKE PENCE: I do!
MM: You aren’t wearing a suit. You’re wearing a tee-shirt covered with food stains and what looks like the bottom half of a Disney Princess Halloween costume.
RG: It’s a suit. Mike Pence just said so. Tide!
ANTHONY FAUCI: [jumps up, waits…. calms down again.]
ANTHONY FAUCI: Aaaaugh!
RG: [laughter.] I love seeing people do that.
In all probability, anyway — more to come. Unfortunately.
Michael Davidow is a lawyer in Nashua. He is the author of Gate City, Split Thirty, and The Rocketdyne Commission, three novels about politics and advertising which, taken together, form The Henry Bell Project. His most recent one is The Book of Order. They are available on Amazon.
Views expressed in columns and opinion pieces belong to the author and do not reflect those of InDepthNH.org.