Ho, Ho, Ho, But Watch Out For Letchy Santa

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Susan Dromey Heeter

Four of Susan's favorite Santas.

By Susan Dromey Heeter, Joyful Musings

Let’s face it, there are  a lot of Santas out there this time of year, many Clauses travelling around bellowing, “Ho, Ho, Ho” and “Merry Christmas.”

It’s confusing. This week, I muse joyfully on clarifying the distinction between four Santas, four representations of Saint Nick.  I muse joyfully that on this countdown to Christmas, you may find the Santa who works best for you.

Santa Claus number one  is Exhausted Santa. He’s got kids climbing all over him, he’s ready to keel over, ready to climb under the covers until July. He’s done.  Exhausted.

Susan Dromey Heeter and her dog Sir Luc

Santa is too tired to eat cookies and milk, he’d just rather have a big honkin’ steak.  And those kids! He’s about as excited to have children tugging at his beard, climbing his legs as he is to have an enema.

Exhausted Santa is to be avoided; he’s got nothing left to give and, well, just entirely pooped.

Kitty Santa is quite content to hang with his butterscotch cat aptly named “Santa Claws” and bask in the joy of his feline friend. He loves his Kitty, so content with wearing his wool sweater, scarf AND hat set he knit himself.  He just wants to sit by the fire, pet Mr. Claws and bask in the purring of his peaceful pal.

Meowy Christmas, Mr. Kitty Santa. And do approach Kitty Santa but only if you have some cat nip and can talk of your own cat for hours on end. Talk of toys and children are verboten.

Letchy Santa wears his bedroom slippers with his cap removed.   He’s holding his little friend just a little too close and it’s really not clear of what he’s thinking with his far off gaze.

Letchy Santa has a candy cane stuck in the back of his pants along with a few miscellaneous toys. Run from Letchy Santa. Run.  Letchy Santa not only voted for Roy Moore but worked on his campaign.  Stay far, far away from Letchy Santa.

Finally, there is Haute Couture Santa. Haute Couture Santa has his beard, eyebrows and hair trimmed and styled every morning and evening like clockwork. He works to look pristine, fashionable, en courant  but finds the entire process overwhelming at times.

It takes work to be beautiful, to be in the spotlight and, much like Exhausted Santa, Couture Santa is beyond weary. While certainly his cheek bones and t-zone are flawless, Hautre Couture Santa is ready to leave the hot rollers behind and settle into his sweats and bingewatch Netflix.

So, there are you are dear readers – an overview of the myriad of Santas you may come across. I do hope you’ve found this guide a bit of a help to navigate those Santas – and I’m glad you’ve had a chance to become up close and personal with Exhausted Santa, Kitty Santa, Letchy Santa and Haute Couture Santa.

And just a gentle reminder? Stay very far away from Letchy Santa – even if he calls you naughty.

 Susan Dromey Heeter, a writer from Dover who recently let her hair go au natural white, writes “Joyful Musings” for InDepthNH.org. Dromey Heeter is a secondary Spanish Teacher at Dover High School and the mother of two teenage daughters.  Writing has been her passion since her English majoring days at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst.  Dromey Heeter has lived in The Netherlands, Alaska and currently basks in all things New England, including the frigid winters. An avid swimmer, Dromey Heeter’s great passion is to bring back body surfing as most children have no idea how to ride waves without ridiculous boogie boards. She also writes about thrift shopping and all things frugal  in a column called “Budget Vogue” for the New Hampshire Union Leader.

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